The circle of pain: 

I can’t help but think of grief as a circle of pain, it never needs sleep, to eat, or rest of any kind. It can hit you from the front, the back, even the side. Your day will be fine and then it will just bounce out of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks. It surrounds you completely and you feel like you will never get out. I have avoided all things that I think will bring it up to bear and yet still it hits me. I eat in the bar sections of restaurants so that there isn’t a possibility I will see another little girl that looks like my Sarabeth. And yet I will eat a french-fry and it will remind me of the day she mashed them in her hair laughing. I buy my groceries at 24-hour stores so I can shop late and not see other mothers with their children running, laughing, and happy; yet still I can’t go buy a pack of pads with out crying because most grocery stores put the baby isle in the feminine care isle. I refuse to go into a Super Wal-Mart or a Super Target because inevitably I will end up walking by the children’s clothing section and see all those pretty little dresses I will never get to buy and it hits me and I leave without ever getting what I came for. It’s always there no matter which way I turn, where I look, or how hard I try to hide, IT SURROUNDS ME.

It is coming up on a year February 5th she turns two and February 25th it turns 1 Year she’s been gone. How can I ever face this month. The beginning shows me what could have been and the end shows me what will never be.

I always thought that being a young mother was an advantage because it meant that I could raise my children and have time and energy for them and help raise my grandchildren and have time and energy for them also maybe even my great grand children too if I was lucky. Now all I see is the many years I will have to remember that she isn’t here, and what I will miss..

Everyday I go to work and here people complain about traffic and the cost of child care school projects and home work fights and I can’t help but think I would trade them all my freedom for 1 more chance with my Sarabeth.

The broken hearted

SLH

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"A Special Doorway to Heaven"

There is a special doorway to Heaven. A young man stands there. He surveys all that God has created, the universe and beyond. He gazes toward earth and says a simple prayer for his mother and family. Jesus calls to him and says, Need not grieve for your family, they are well. The Father has special work for you to do and it includes those of earth whom are so special to you. You are needed here. In time they will see you again and all will be as one. This I promise. The young man turns to Jesus and says, I miss them and they me. My heart wishes to fly through the stars to comfort my mother. Jesus replies, There is no love stronger than the love that was created the day of your earthly birth. That love will last for all eternity. It is a part of your mother and all who's lives you touched. A breath from your mouth she will feel on her cheek. A touch from you she will feel in her heart. Your face with a smile is forever burned into her memory. This will always be. Your words, "I love You" she will always hear. The young man smiles at Jesus. they walk arm in arm away from the portal of youth.

This doorway is for those whose lives were cut short for the only reason that Our Lord needed them to come home early. Special duties await him, a special task that he will be better able to perform from heaven. His love for his mother is endless. As your broken heart mends you will begin to see that he never left your side. Your shadow no longer is yours, it is him. A gentle breeze that lifts your heart is him.

I LOVE YOU NICK!!

Mom